Let's get real...

So today I have decided its time to turn over a new leaf...per say. For the last couple months I have really been stressing about my weight, money, the wedding and my family...among other things. But, this morning when I woke up I decided I really need to stop worrying about EVERYTHING! It isn't doing anything for me, it isn't making me any happier and all it does is make me feel like i need to puke. So on my list of things that I can fix now is my weight...

I mean it really has just gotten to the point where I look at myself and try to figure out where I went wrong, was it the chicken nuggets or the cheeseburger? Either way I am tired of it. So as of today I am swearing off fast food, chocolate, deserts and basically all the good stuff. I think it hit me while I was shopping for a new bathing suit for the trip to Missouri that I need to stop. I mean fast food is way convenient often times, but how convenient will it be in the future if I have a heart attack from enjoying that burger?

The last time I was home my brother told me he is worried about me and doesn't want me to die early because of my weight. It's a real eye opener to have your younger brother tell you he's worried you are going to die. So that opened my eyes a bit, then the bathing suit incident...I tried on two different types, which maybe 3 months ago would have looked awesome on me, but now...not so much. I looked in the mirror and for once couldn't pretend that I liked what I saw. I am sure most people know I work in Lane Bryant...a plus size woman's store...so I see a lot of body types and sizes. I shop there myself, if nothing else because the discount is good and clothes are hot. But, slowly I started seeing that the clothes weren't making me feel any better about myself. Clothes have always made me feel good, made me happy and made me feel like "damn i am one finnnneeeee bitch". After this last shopping trip(getting stuff for our trip to Missouri) I realized, clothes aren't making me feel good anymore. And that, is not me.

So today is Day 1 of a newer, healthier Sam. So I guess I am saying a fond farewell to pizza, burgers, fries, cake, cookies, brownies...you know all the comfort foods that everyone claims makes you feel better...No, all it does is make you feel fuller, fatter and bigger. Comfort food has made me feel uncomfortable in my own skin and its not okay with me.

I guess the fact that in 5 months I am going to be putting on a white gown might also be a motivator huh?

Now onto other stressers...money really just needs to be abolished. It just totally sucks. I mean you get your bills paid off, think you have a little breathing room and whamo...no you don't. And, with the economy in the shitter forget trying to find a legit job to supplement your funds. As a side note, anyone who is considering going to a private college...DON'T! School loans will kill you at the most inopportune times (like while your unemployed and only working part time to make ends meet). Ps- I have to thank Andrew for being so wonderfully supportive and stable...without you I don't know what I would do.

The wedding is coming...seemingly slowly and quickly all at once! I think about it and by the time Andrew and I get married we will have been engaged for 22 months...but then I think about it and I'm like "omigod the wedding is in 5 months". The planning for the most part is all settled in, the big stuff is taken care of, now its just the details, like dress fittings, flower selections and seating arrangements. Just so you all know, if you end up sitting with someone you don't know please don't be yourself or tell stories about Andrew or I...most people will laugh out of courtesy so you think your charming...but really...they are thinking what the hell?

Family stuff...well is family stuff, as per the usual. I miss my insane, crazy, dysfunctional family really bad some days(read- most days), but here is where I have to be, for the time being. Probably the hardest part is that when I go down to visit, I just feel so comfortable, like I am a kid again...then I come home there's bills to worry about, the dog to be walked, work to go to, cleaning to be done...you get the drift. The homeland is like sanctuary, but it makes it even harder to be in the place you are trying to make home. I mean, who doesn't want to go back and live where the bill collectors can't find you, where mom makes dinner and you only have to clean up and where the house magically cleans itself every day?

I guess what it comes down to is that I am so grateful to Andrew and my family, sometimes I want both at the same time...I want to be a mature, responsible adult, getting married soon...at the same time I want to be a 11 year old kid whose mom makes dinner and whose family can take care of and fix everything and anything...how does one reconcile the differences and make it work? I guess you'll just have to stay tuned to find out!